It’s hard to believe that it has been about eight weeks since Chase’s official diagnosis, and about six since finding out about Roman. Life has gone on though, the boys are the same ornery, loud, crazy little monkeys that they have always been. There are a lot of days when things are so normal, I almost forget there is anything to worry about……. almost. Then there are days when it is painfully obvious that this is not going away, like when we are at a friend’s birthday party and I have to pull Chase out of a foam pit because his legs cramped on him (for the 3rd time), so bad he got stuck and couldn’t get himself out. The look on his face when he says, “It’s doing it again mama,” is what breaks my heart the most in those moments.
We have had one conversation with Chase, after his last appointment at Children’s Mercy, about his diagnosis. We weren’t sure how to approach the subject with a 5 year old, the doctor just told us to be open and honest with him from the beginning. That night at dinner, we asked Chase if he had any questions about his doctor’s appointment. He said “No.” I then asked him if he understood why he was seeing the doctor, and he said, “for my legs.” I said, “Yes, you have something going on with your legs that at times causes you pain. Sometimes you may not be able to do things some of your friends do, or you may not be able to run as fast as your friends, but there are other things you will be able to do really well, maybe even better than your friends. Do you understand or have any questions?”
I could see his little brain kind of taking it all in, and then he said, “Well, I just feel like I used to be the fastest, and now I am the slowest.”
This tells me, at a 5 year old level, he kind of gets it. I know there will be more questions along the way and I am trying to prepare myself the best I can with answers. What I struggle with most right now, is how do I explain to him, after 3 years of praying with his father and me to God every night at bedtime to please heal his legs, why they still hurt and why won’t God heal them? How do I explain to him that this will most likely get worse without completely scaring him, especially when I am already raked with worry myself? I don’t know how to best answer these questions for him. I’m still wondering this myself.
I am still in the process of coming to terms with what this all means for my family. I’m still constantly searching for signs that God has this big, amazing plan for us all through this. One thing I am beginning to realize though, is that we often look in the wrong places. We look for certain things that we feel like are signs or messages from God, but we often miss what He really means for us to see. I knew early on that I was going to have to make a decision, either I was going to lean on God and let Him take the lead while I walk alongside Him through this, or I was going to turn away from Him and attempt to do this all myself and resent Him for not being there.
About a week ago I was driving in the car listening the K-Love on my way home from the grocery store. I was having a particularly rough day and I just asked God; “Please give me a sign, give me something to tell me everything is going to be okay. A song? One of my favorites maybe? Just something please. You are all knowing and all powerful, you can at least give me my favorite song!” Well, I didn’t get that song I was hoping for. I had maybe one or two in mind that I felt like would really speak to me, but neither one of them played. A few other songs played that “could” have been good and maybe could have given me the same piece that I needed in that moment, but I had my head and heart focused on something in particular I wanted from God. In all of this wanting and waiting, what was I “missing” in that moment while I was searching for something else? I think I am definitely one of those people that sometimes just needs to be hit over the head by “something” for me to really SEE or FEEL His presence.
I got “hit over the head” this weekend when I got the most amazing Mother’s Day gift I could have ever gotten from my 5 year old. I couldn’t even fully wrap my mind around it when he first started talking because it just completely blew my mind. I was a little hesitant leading into Mother’s Day because there is something about a big holiday that can bring up emotions when going through a rough season in life. We were on our way home from dinner Saturday night, and in the car Chase started telling Mark and me about a dream he had the night before about Heaven.
Chase: “I had a dream last night. It was about Heaven.”
Me: “Oh yeah. What did you see?”
Chase: “I saw God.”
Me: “Wow. What was that like.”
Chase: “It was cool.”
Me: “Did he say anything?”
Chase: “He said I could do whatever I want.”
Mark: “That is amazing Chase.” Of course we are both wondering if this is God telling us not to worry because Chase will be able to do amazing things in his life, even if it is not quite what we had planned or expected…..or is this our 5 year old telling us that ‘God’ told him he should be able to do whatever he wants, like play games, eat candy, etc. Then the conversation continued.
Chase: “You were there too Mama.”
Me: “Oh? What was I doing?”
Chase: “You were walking, holding hands with God.”
Thump….right to the head. God is not only right beside me, He is holding my hand. Happy Mother’s Day to me 🙂
Team Strathman 
❤ We are all here to support you. Stay strong Mindy! – Heather & Family 🙂
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